How Nicholas Sparks Can Save Your Marriage

When working with clients, I need them to understand a deep concept. I explain it to them, but I know that if they can observe it, the effect will be much greater. So, I suggest a movie. Part of counseling is offering insight so the client can identify what they need or don’t need to do, thereby enabling them to grow in a positive direction. A well-suggested movie can be a masterful tool for this. Here are five movies that are entertaining and enlightening.

As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, and Greg Kinnear. It won seven Academy Awards in 1997! The Plot: Helen Hunt’s character is a waitress with a sick son and Jack Nicholson’s character struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Hunt must quit work, which sends Nicholson’s world crashing because she was his favorite waitress. Through helping Kinnear’s character, Nicholson works to endear himself to Hunt as a romantic suitor. His bumbling is funny and her struggle is endearing. What can you get out of it? Nicholson works to be better than he is in order to win Hunt’s heart. All men should work to be better for their wives, otherwise we are just knuckle-dragging gorilla’s who take occasional showers.

The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. The Plot: Over fifteen years of marriage, Willis’ and Pfeiffer’s characters experience great, alienating difficulties that all couples can identify with; kids, jobs, and failed attempts to join emotionally. What can you get out of it? I often say that Willis and Pfeiffer are fighting to stay together because nobody does that much fighting over something they don’t care about. In other words, you're fighting may be an indication of how much you care. You just need to learn how to focus that caring in positive ways. The movie can help you see the behaviors you are engaging in that keep the arguments in and the connecting out.

Blue Valentine, starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The Plot: “The film centers on a contemporary married couple, charting their evolution over a span of years by cross-cutting between time periods.” (www.imdb.com) Thematically, it’s stirring and intense because it deals with real issues. No vampires, no Manhattan apartments, and no happily ever after. It shows, true to form, how a middle-America couple goes from idealistic love, to reality, and then working to find a way to make their marriage work among the trials of daily life. What can you get out of it? A very real glimpse into what young couples go through today. The movie has a strange ending, but I believe it ends at the beginning of a new start for them. It may be a new start for you. Read more of my thoughts on this movie.

Sling Blade, starring Billy Bob Thornton and Dwight Yoakam. The Plot: “Karl Childers, a simple man hospitalized since his childhood murder of his mother and her lover, is released to start a new life in a small town.” (www.imdb.com) What can you get out of it? This movie shows patterns of family violence and how it can affect those in and outside of the home. It also provides a good look at what a caring man can do for a young boy. If someone is in denial of being physically or emotionally violent, this movie can open their eyes.

Dear John, starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried. (Novel by Nicholas Sparks). Probably the manliest romance I’ve ever seen. The Plot: Tatum’s character is in the military and has had a difficult life in losing his mother and dealing with his unique father. He falls for a southern girl while on leave. What can you get out of it? Lots of flashbacks paint a realistic picture of what some boys go through in dealing with difficult family situations. This movie will help you see how important a father’s relationship is to his son and that you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic to win your wife. You just have to love and protect her. Read more about what we can learn from the men and women in romance movies/novels.

If your marriage is struggling, I hope you can glean something from the movies above. After watching them, discuss with your spouse what you saw in the movie that can help you grow. Don’t point out faults by saying, “I saw you in that dead-beat.” This isn’t helpful. Instead, allow yourself and your spouse to see your own faults then discuss these with phrases like, “I know that sometimes I act like him/her.” Then in response, confirm or clarify what your spouse says with the intent to bring about growth in your relationship, not blame. This may be a difficult exercise for some, so allow time for the movie to process and come together later to discuss it, always with the goal of understanding one another better.

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The Nothing In Your Marriage

When couples experience conflict, I often hear one of the spouses say, “I didn’t do anything,” or they might ask their spouse as you probably have, “What did I do this time?” This carries the idea that you actually have to DO something to be in trouble with your better half. Not so. There’s the absence of behavior that actually drives husbands and wives crazy.

Remember “The Nothing” in the movie, The Never Ending Story? It was eating away at an imaginative world called Fantasia. I remember as a child trying to grasp the idea of a Nothing; a black empty space that is after you. It was very terrifying to me at the time and is still pretty spooky. When a couple argues and resolves the issue there’s a peace that takes over. When nothing is happening, when there’s no spark, and when two supposedly loving people are void of anything meaningful, The Nothing is taking over, slowing devouring your relationship. This is most hurtful because it’s so hard to recognize. It’s nothing, remember? What is the nothing in your marriage?

“We do Nothing together.” You enjoyed doing things early in your marriage. Why has this changed? If it’s a lack of time you should look at moving some things around because time with your spouse is more important than anything else. Is it a money issue? Time spent together doesn’t have to be a weekend trip. It can simply be an hour or two (when the kids go to bed) at least every other night. The regular connections will make the biggest difference.

When your schedule does call for a weekend trip or evening on the town, what keeps you from this? Do you have different tastes? As a married couple we are supposed to do things with our spouse just because they enjoy it. This is a good time to compromise. If she picks the movie, he gets to pick the restaurant. It’s a win-win situation. Some couples can’t make it this far because, “she’ll just want to see a romance.” Well, if you’re saying this, you could probably learn something from the man in the story. Doing nothing didn’t win her. Have you forgotten? It’s about making her happy. Trust me, it’s your path to happiness too.

“He/She says Nothing to me.” Why? Does she talk all day to her co-workers? Humans have only so many words they use in a day and if they’ve been talking all day for work purposes, their brains are pretty spent by the evening. On the other hand, some people aren’t talkers and don’t enjoy it as much. In either case, your spouse is worth talking to. What should you talk about? You talk about your day. What you thought of the movie. What you’re going to do this weekend. You talk to your children about their day. You discuss your goals, hopes, dreams, and even frustrations. These conversations give us a window into the lives of our loved ones, enabling us to connect.

We’re separate from each other all day long and we want to know what happened. Don’t look at it like an ATM machine. Just because you ask, “what happened today” doesn’t mean a flood of answers is going to come out. Instead, the natural flow of conversation should allow thoughts and then words to surface during the course of the evening; particularly over dinner. If you’re not eating at the dinner table regularly, don’t expect conversation to be easy. If you’re looking at the TV or Facebook while wanting to connect with your spouse, it’s not going to happen. Come together at dinner and share these things. Finally, if you’re not interested, there may be some serious issues. You need to get interested in what happens during your family’s day.

“I feel Nothing for my spouse.” When we were first dating and even in the first few years of marriage, the feelings were intense. Everything was so new and the mere thought of that someone special sent us into a spin. What’s happened? Life has. Children, work, stress; all the blessings that come from life suddenly monopolize our time with a vengeance. As we tend to these important tasks, we slowly push out our spouses. An emotional void forms between us and with nothing to pull us closer, we are like two strangers seated side-by-side in a movie theater. You don’t know him but you know you don’t like him because he’s in your space.

What’s the answer? Don’t wait for the feeling to come. A tactic to get yourself to exercise is to promise yourself you’ll do it for ten minutes, and if you don’t feel like it after that, you can quit. What happens when you start? You feel like it. In marriage, we must act and then the feelings (that are really there) will come. Don’t look for the novelty in an affair because that will wear off too. Instead, look for the joy you can have with your spouse. That can start tonight by making a decision to do something rather than letting The Nothing take over your lives.

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BOOK REVIEW: The Table Comes First by Adam Gopnik

I chose this book because I heard Gopnik on NPR’s “The Moth” podcast where he told the story of how he and his wife had different tastes in food, but that they compromised because of their love for one another. A great story, and much of this flavor was found in his book.

What I enjoyed about the book was the analysis of the moral and cultural concepts surrounding food’s place in our world. For instance, today we envy those who ate only fresh food but at one time fresh was the food of peasants. Those who had exotic food on demand (as we do today) were wealthy. His analysis of class was both entertaining and insightful. Where tastes come from and how they change was also enjoyable. In a very non-judgmental way, Gopnik analyzes the morality of meat and veggies, of eating local, and of eating only in-season products. I appreciated this as I too enjoy much of the values he espouses and struggles with at the same time.

I relished in his dissection of our culture’s fascination with food but struggled through his discussion of the French food industry. It was interesting enough to see its influences but I know little of this type of cuisine so my attention waned frequently. Also, peppered throughout the book, was a friendly correspondence between him and Elizabeth Penell, a 19^th century art and food critic. This allowed him to describe recipes that entice the palate and continue the arc of culture and morality. It kept an otherwise dry topic fun and light.