Dale Sadler - Counselor, Author, Speaker: December 2011

Are You A Marital Humbug?

After Scrooge’s visit with his various ghosts, he chooses to be a peaceful man who loves all he sees. Unfortunately, it took him seeing his own tombstone and the wretched life he lived to make this move. It seems in marriages that some husbands and wives are just as miserable as Ebenezer. There’s very little joy and each breath that is taken robs another second of what could be a joyous life. When there’s not something deeper at play, all many couples may need to do is choose. Will it be misery or will it be peace?

When you choose to notice everything he/she does wrong, you are choosing misery. If you live with someone long enough, you are going to find plenty wrong with them. This is often a distraction in order to avoid your own misgivings but there you are, noticing all the inconsistencies of your spouse and wondering why you ever got married. Scrooge saw all that was wrong with those who walked through his door. If you search for bad, you’ll find it. Looking for good can make for a much happier home.

When you choose to argue rather than love, you are choosing misery. There’s something about being at war with your spouse. Some seem to enjoy it. We are not happy and he/she is supposed to make us happy. I’M NOT HAPPY SO IT MUST BE YOUR FAULT! You’re probably not happy because you’re finding all of your spouse’s faults and not working on your own. If you are one half of a whole that is supposed to be about love, what are you bringing to the table?

You choose misery when you only think of yourself. What can please me! This will lead to an unfulfilling life as it did for Scrooge. He only thought of himself but when he began to look of the welfare of others, he found joy. Being in a relationship with another human being can be so rewarding. However, if you don’t think of that other person, there will be no joy.

Finally, you choose misery when you refuse to meet your spouse’s needs. Much of the arguing in a marriage comes from not meeting one another’s needs. It’s strange however because this is really why we got married in the first place; that person met a need of ours. Are you refusing to talk to her? Have you decided to not like what he enjoys? There will be war.

You choose peace when you decide (or re-decide) to make a life with that person. You choose peace when you offer forgiveness and a total acceptance of that other person despite their faults. You choose peace when you find some way to enjoy the time of being together rather than despising it. When you choose peace, you choose your words carefully, your actions carefully, and your thoughts carefully in order to make a life that is less like the that of Ebenezer Scrooge and more like a family you can be proud of.

Christmas Food, Family, & Friends

I love this time of year, particularly when it snows and you get some hot chocolate and you sit and watch your favorite Christmas movie with your family. I hope you are blessed to enjoy these times. They are what make up the moments that you will cherish the next day, month, and long into old age. Don’t regret the lack of time you spent with your family. Make it happen.

Thankfully, we're forced to be close during the winter months because no one wants to go outside and face the cold. We in Tennessee believe that the weather will change back to warm quickly enough so why bother getting all dressed up to go out in twenty degree weather to do the things that can wait. We are a patient people when it comes to the weather. We are not as patient when it comes to things that stress us, and this time of year has plenty of that. Here are some tips to make this time of year as joyous as possible.

Don’t do everything: There will be plenty of things to do from now until the new year. Lay out a schedule, plan and follow step two.
Do what is most important to you: Pick and choose because nothing can bring about more stress than making sausage balls half a dozen times to be at events where you know you’re going to be miserable. Say no to things and don’t feel guilty because the most important people you must please are your family and yourself. If your family is happy and so are you then you’re doing something right.
If there are family members that make occasions particularly difficult, you must learn to apply appropriate boundaries. Only speak about those things you can agree on, or don’t speak at all. There are other people you can converse with. This is a time of thanksgiving and celebration. Don’t use it as a time to air grievances. That’s what Festivus is for.
Make time to exercise: Nothing can make the wintry blues worse quite like overeating and feeling bad about oneself. I say enjoy the abundance of delectable delights that are out there, but exercise to balance the extra calories you’ll be taking in. Also, the exercising will help boost endorphins and you’ll feel better emotionally.
Enjoy the season and what it has to offer: Too many of us complain and if there’s nothing to complain about, we’ll find something. You must learn to appreciate things for what they are. There is a Chinese philosophy known as Taoism that says, “Unpleasant experiences need not be avoided or expunged, but can be enjoyed as an integral part of the flow of the world.” Traffic, long shopping lines, and people who think their ugly Christmas sweater is a good fashion statement are as much a part of Christmas traditions as anything else. Learn to deal.
Budget woes got you down? If you are already experiencing credit card remorse, pay them off as quickly as possible during the start of 2012 and start a Christmas account for the following season. Have it auto drafted and forget about it until November. Nothing can bring more joy to the giving than giving out of your abundance.
Lost that Christmas spirit? This is particularly true of families with older children. Ask them if they recall what they got last year for Christmas. They probably won’t. The kids just don’t have that sparkle in their eye anymore because they know about the Xbox game under the tree. They put it in the buggy when you bought it, remember? Start a new tradition and plan a trip using the Christmas money you would normally spend. Coastal rentals are particularly cheap this time of year and Christmas can still be enjoyed with homemade gifts or by a name exchange ON THE BEACH! It’s the memories that will last.

If you’re often tired or don’t seem to enjoy yourself any time of the year, it may be necessary to see a counselor or simply take charge of your life. Making changes now can have lasting effects if you do those things that will make your life enjoyable. I believe it is possible for everyone.

Tennessee School Counselors and Administrator Institute Murfreesboro, TN 2012

I will be speaking at this upcoming year's Tennessee School Counselors and Administrators Leadership Institute, February 5-7, 2012 at the Embassy Suites Hotel and Conference Center in Murfreesboro, TN. This will be my fourth time presenting. My actual sessions will be on February 6, 10AM-11:15AM and then February 7, 9:30AM-10:45AM. Click here for more information and I look forward to seeing you there. Below is a description of my session.

The Emotional Effects of Video Games on Boys

Ever wonder why boys aren’t particularly interested in much until it comes to their video games? The average boy spends more than thirteen hours a week playing and it has been proven that video games release dopamine (the pleasure chemical of the brain) in much the same way drugs release it. There is a correlation between boys who play all night, care little about their grades, and are content to live with their parents well into adulthood. In this session, Dale will explain the deeply rooted emotional effects video games have on boys and why apathy is more than just a phase.