This article can be found in the June issue of Think magazine by Focus Press.
Real Men Needed
When God instituted the family in Genesis, He set forth an organizational pattern that is seen throughout scripture in familial relationships and eventually in the organization of the church. This is particularly true of parenting as we see in 1 Timothy 3:4, 5. Here, Paul sets forth a direct connection to church leadership and the home, “He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God . . . ?)
God uses the home as His proving ground for those who will be given the task of leading the church. The wisdom here is obvious as both are families, both have their rebels, and both have their followers, all of which are in need of love, guidance, and a Savior. It is the task of men as father figures to lead the children of both institutions toward eternal life.
Unfortunately, real men can be hard to find. In television’s “Two and a Half Men,” I doubt that any positive male characteristics were shown. The ads for the show were certainly void of any. Everywhere you look from JC Penney commercials to television and the big screen, men are the punch lines. Why? Because their role has been downplayed over the last several decades and thus minimized to an almost useless position. Our young men do not know what it is to be a man because so few of us stick it out. We do not work to fulfill our task set forth by God and thus the home and the church suffer.
In my work as a youth minister and now as a counselor, it is difficult to explain “God the Father” to a young person who has never known his or her own father. They only know that “father” is the man he has never seen or the man who never goes to his ball games or the man who does not love his mother. Many fathers are physically present but emotionally absent. Studies have also shown that ninety percent of dads are out of their children’s lives within five years after a divorce. Men do not realize the toll this is taking on our society. A noted sociologist, Dr. David Popenoe, is one of the pioneers of fatherhood research. He says, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring." (www.childwelfare.gov)
Our homes and our congregations are in desperate need of real men who will lead effectively with eternity in mind. As Jesus is the mediator between mankind and God, men are the midpoint for others to God whether they are the members of a congregation or the children in his own home. Hopefully, our congregations can supply these real men.
Firm Yet Kind
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) The part of the passage we typically focus on is the latter, “ . . . bring them up in the discipline . . . of the Lord.” We like this. It is the end result of what we hope to accomplish. The first part that gives specific instructions to fathers is often glossed over and forgotten so that the “discipline” part might be proclaimed. However, if we are to accomplish the second command, the first must be understood.
Men are called to be the leaders in the home and in the church. The “how” of doing this is often missed but is encapsulated in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger . . . .” If you can follow this passage, the ripple affects of your influence will be felt for generations. However, this verse can be confusing. “If a man is to lead a congregation of the Lord’s church or his home, is he not going to do things that make his children (those under his care) angry?” Certainly! However, there is a difference between being a man of your word with principles who leads from the heart versus one who provokes those most dependent on him with mindless actions.
A Climate of Fear: The opposite of Ephesians 6:4
All is quiet at home. It is 5:15pm. Mother is cooking, junior is doing his homework and the dog is resting on the porch. Suddenly, a truck pulls into the drive. The dog scampers away, and mom hurries to get any last minutes tasks complete before her husband (with a fiery temper) comes through the door. As he enters the kitchen, mom listens to the pace of his walk and carefully observes how he puts his lunch box down; obvious signs of whether it is going to be a good evening or a bad one. Junior continues with his work, otherwise dad might accuse him of being lazy. This is the way dad likes it; family members doing as they are told. There is little affection but plenty of fear and order.
This is the typical setting of a physically abusive family, but similar settings (although less extreme) can be found in our congregations and our homes. Men can be quick with a criticism or lack in the giving of much needed praise. A boy who never hears, “good job” from his dad may never grow into a confident man. A girl who never hears how beautiful she is from her dad may look for validation from boys who only want one thing. These scenarios do not facilitate the building of soldiers for Christ or young people who grow into healthy adults.
People were trying to bring their children to Jesus when He said, “Permit the children to come to Me . . . .” (Mark 10:14) His disposition had to have been an important factor here. The people wanted to come to Jesus. A father who does not communicate love to his family but rather promotes unhealthy fear as a motivator will create an uncomfortable climate that grows bitterness and resentment rather than faith and love.
Leading by fear can cause poor motivation, resentment, and rebellion. If I continually teach my child to fear my hand while not communicating love and respect, bitterness can set in. While corporal punishment can be effective, it is often not the best teaching tool. In a spiritual sense, we should fear Hell, but a greater depth of love moves us to the fear of missing heaven. Men, we are to do the moving. Moses helped to “move” the children of Israel out of their bondage and closer to God. This is our task.
Because of a lack of ineffective leadership, children often find guidance in the wrong places. Church members look elsewhere because they may not see the appeal of Christianity from those leading the local congregation. Do you talk about happiness and are never happy? Do you talk about self-control yet have your own vices? Do you talk about loving your wife, but your relationship is rocky at best. If we do not show that Christianity is the best way to live, our leadership at home and in the church will fail.
Bringing Them Up Is a Process
Many men lead with fear as their only tool because they do not know what else to do. While the actions of our children may legitimately anger us, we must not let this linger. It is possible to let go of the anger by realizing that bringing up and leading children is a process. Ephesians 6:4 says to “bring,” Proverbs 22:6 says to “train,” and Deuteronomy 6 tells us to “teach.” All of these are processes that take time. Plus, what does yelling at your five year old or teen really accomplish? Children are going to constantly make mistakes, and if this is accepted as a way of life, it will be much easier to handle. We must remember that it is our job as fathers to teach them the right things. They mess up. That’s why they need us.
In the story of the prodigal, the father allowing his son to leave was part of the process in the boy’s upbringing. Father’s today in similar situations eventually have to let rebellious teens (and members) go. This is the epitome of leadership that trusts in the wisdom and the timing of God to work on the hearts of those we love. In certain circumstances, this is part of the process of learning just as it was the process with God and the Israelites. “Then He gave them into the hand of the nations, and those who hated them ruled over them.” (Psalm 106:41) In both scenarios, these children came home.
If fathers and church leaders act with love and eternity as their goals rather than with fear and control, those they are responsible for will be able to speak well of them as David did in Psalm 22:4 and 5. “In You our fathers trusted . . . To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed.”
