When a crowd is doing something, the individuals within that crowd are likely to follow suit whether they know what is happening or not. Thousands of people are running to something at a concert? No thought is given to what it might be, more people join in and many are trampled and possibly even killed. In Tom Cruise's version of War of the Worlds, droves of people are running to get out of the city. This made them an easier target for the aliens. Not until Cruise took his own path did he find safety. A reaction to the emotional atmosphere around us is typical, but in the real and fictitious examples above, we can be lead to our demise if we don't think.
This happens in our marriages too because much emotion can be found here. Your spouse is upset, says something to you and then you become upset. A verbal fight breaks out and you take your helmet off when helmets are going to be flying. Not too smart. What did I do that hot day in 1993? I put my helmet on and backed up to see what I needed to do. I pulled one of our guys off of theirs and it was over as quickly as it had begun. In your marriage, if the dam of emotion breaks, you both can be swept away and injury can occur.
If you are fighting, the problem quite possibly began long before the first word was spoken out of anger. This is known as chaos theory or "the butterfly effect." Small differences in initial conditions will result in outcomes that are opposing. In other words, the '93 brawl actually began long before one of our hot-headed assistant coaches traded words with one of theirs. It began when their first string played our second or maybe even years before with bad blood between our towns. Similarly, arguments with your spouse or your children begin long before the first word is exchanged.
Here are some things to consider if you believe you are about to go down the rapids of an argument. How are you feeling? Are you irritated? What about? Is it something your spouse did? Is it worth discussing or are you the one with the problem? Should you just forget it? If it is with your spouse, and he/she begins asking you questions that aren't helping the situation, tell him you need some time alone and that you can come back later to discuss it.
Let's say you are attacked out of nowhere. Back up and ask, "What is happening?" "What can I do?" With this mentality, a solution can quickly be found. Here are some steps to consider if this is the case: First, think back to when you might have hurt his/her feelings or said something inappropriate. The quicker you can communicate this to your spouse, the better he/she will be relieved that you understand. Second, listen and try not to become defensive. Your goal here is to resolve the issue, not to be sleeping on the couch that night. Keep this in mind and your pride will be retained as you make a huge decision to listen, grow and meet your spouse’s needs.
|
