Here you can read an article by sexuality counselor Ian Kerner. He, in an admittedly minor way, suggests that having an open marriage can be helpful. By "open" I mean you stay married but can have sex with other people. Here's what I think:
Kerner says, “’Negotiated monogamy’ is a way for some couples to stay committed to each other without having to stay sexually faithful.’” So in order to stay committed, I have to not be committed. Also, having sex with other people won’t make someone want to leave their spouse. Right. Gotcha.
George Costanza put it best when Jerry and Elaine tried to make a similar "sex with no strings attached" deal on Seinfeld.
“Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.” (SOURCE: http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheDeal.htm)
Here’s why it bothers me as a marriage counselor. Sex is often an indicator of how the marriage is going. If things are going well, sex is good. If things are going poorly, sex is no fun. There’s probably an underlying issue that causes sex to be bad. If you’re arguing about money all the time or the kids, sex will suffer. However, if things are going well, and stress is under control, sex can be an adventure. Sex with someone else won’t help you with the primary issue. It may actually cover it up further. Also, if you’re not having fun together outside the bedroom, it won’t happen inside it either.
Let’s say the problem is sex. Well, you’re probably doing something wrong. Most people aren’t as good in bed as they think they are and when their “bag of tricks” runs out, they’re left with nothing. This will definitely happen if you don’t discuss sex (the author’s primary point) and how you can make it better. If a new partner is sought, he/she will discover these same shortcomings in you and now two people will know that you’re a bad lover. Good job. The author said, “. . . being married should give you a level of trust where you feel like you can talk about anything.” Exactly. Get better sexually, but get better discussing it your spouse.
He makes a point that trumps the “negotiated monogamy” idea when he says, “. . . once couples start talking about what they would or wouldn’t allow . . . they often tend to get turned on and end up going home and having sex with each other.” This is dead on and is what the article is primarily about.
There are some couples that live in open relationships, but I’d like to see how many survive long-term. For me, the risk is too great to advise to a couple because what might sound “sexy” could really turn bad when it actually happens. Having sex with other people to strengthen your marriage? I don’t think so.
He correctly coined his list “excuses against monogamy.” This puts it in the right perspective. Animals such as bald eagles and beavers are monogamous. You’re telling me that the most advanced species on the planet can’t do it? I don’t care what The Governator did. This is little more than giving in to our fleshly desires in our post-modern “it’s all about me” world that ultimately isn’t good for society as a whole whether you’re a Christian or a secularist. What are we to do? Eliminate commitment in marriage and spur society on to living in co-ed bath houses? This is why it bothers me as a Christian. The Bible has the right idea about keeping sex in marriage. It contributes to THE most fulfilling relationship a man and woman can have on earth. The “excuses” he lists are nothing more than shortcomings. People can and do rise above them.
