Teachers, Students, & Dreams

Our 8th graders registered for high school this week. It's an exciting time as a milestone in their lives is quickly approaching. There are many different forms used in this process to ensure that each student gets the most appropriate classes as they relate to their career and educational goals. 

I love being in the middle school doing this. Even though they are failing science, they can still dream of being a doctor or an astronaut. The child-like innocence and hope for the future is still there despite their lurching puberty-stricken bodies. Plus, they could still turn their grades around in high school. We laugh at the 5' tall boy who wants to be a pro basketball player but he could grow a foot and a half by the time he's a junior. The dream is still alive, but I know that the point of no return happens in the later years.

One of the forms we use is interesting in that it is a four sheet carbon copy. It's designed to help students keep up with what is required of them to graduate. It gets written on and the next sheet is torn off every year. There's a place on there for Career Goals. I found it interesting that what I write this year actually doesn't make it all the way through to the final sheet (senior year). Do the dreams have to fade? I hope not. Sure, the lofty goals of a thirteen year old change over the years as he learns his strengths and focuses on those. The boy who wanted to be a police officer may figure out through a psychology class that he'd much rather help people in a different way. 

Regrettably, dreams often die because teachers and parents either don't fuel the drive, discourage them, or don't offer the proper guidance needed to reach the desired level of accomplishment. How many students could have been totally different had they been praised for the least bit of positive growth that they showed? How many could have changed the world if only a teacher had changed his/her attitude towards the student that gives her trouble?

In a way, working within the school system is a chance at immortality. Henry Brooks Adams said, "A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."

The Motivation Behind Self-Mutilation

My article below can be found in the March/April issue of Kaio magazine; a Christian magazine for teens.

I am sure you know someone who “cuts” and I don’t mean “cuts” apples. You’ve seen the marks on her arm or maybe you have a friend who cuts and you’re worried.

Self-mutilation, often done by cutting, is a sure sign of some serious problems in a person’s life. Teens primarily self-mutilate in order to deal with their emotions. Instead of crying, writing in a journal, or discussing the issue, the person will physically harm his or herself. There are several reasons that teens and even adults use this dangerous coping skill. I hope that if you understand this behavior then you will be able to help someone or even yourself.

People, usually guys, self-mutilate because of unregulated rage. Instead of punching someone, when a guy gets made, he punches a wall or tears something up. This is unhealthy because, well, a broken hand is not fun and this type of response shows nothing but a lack of self-control. Some guys believe it to be a sign of strength, but it’s really a sign of weakness. Proverbs 25:28 says, “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.”

A second reason people cut is to get relief from anxiety or depression. Pain can bring about pleasure. This sounds weird, but the brain chemical dopamine is released when pain is experienced and this helps to calm us. Have you ever ridden a roller coaster, screamed your head off, and then when it’s over, you feel relaxed? You experience a high level of anxiety on the ride and your brain releases dopamine to cope. This isn’t often done the first time with cutting as the body has to be trained to respond to the behavior as pleasurable. People get into this state because they’d rather feel the physical pain cutting brings than bear their other emotional burden. In cases like this, cutting can become an addiction. What one cut did for the person early on, it now takes twenty to get the same effect. This is dangerous as accidental death could occur.

Another reason people self-mutilate is for friendships. Maybe the person has no friends, but through cutting, she can be a part of the group that does it too. While this may seem foolish, treatment is still needed as their pain is real. This is the only group that would absolutely not be hospitalized. Why? They meet other cutters and this only serves to strengthen their behavior.

A final reason people self-mutilate is to practice for suicide. Not everyone who cuts wants to kill themselves, but if a person is engaged in this behavior then it could be something they are considering. By cutting, a person decreases their anxiety about suicide and thus can eventually go through with it.

If you are concerned about a friend, please talk to someone. Some things to look for are cuts on the inside of the forearm that might be hidden by long sleeves. The stomach and legs are also typical places because they can’t be checked easily by a School Counselor or seen readily by a parent.

Sponsored Link Help For Troubled Teens Step-by-Step At-Home Program Transforms Problem Teens.

Babies & Bible Study

Malita and I are slowly growing comfortable with putting Campbell into the cradle roll class at church. She's still such a handful, but it will happen soon. Until then she goes with us to our class and I am of course distracted. She cries, gets hungry, needs to be changed, and smiles her beautiful smile. How can that face not be distracting?

I may not be giving my full attention while in Bible study, but through my five year old son and new baby-girl, God is teaching me more about patience, fatherhood, manhood, and His love for me than all the sermons in the world. I know what 1 John 3:1 means when it reads, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

 

I am truly humbled when I think of my love for my children and how much God must love me. What it took for Him to give His son is immeasurable. I just hope that through mine and Malita's love and guidance, we will be able to give our children to God as lifelong servants. This is what children need more these days than anything: The knowledge that they are loved by their parents and that they serve a God who loves them. This will get them through even the deepest of struggles and there are plenty out there for them to handle.

Mental Health & Mood Disorders

Have you ever felt down? Has it ever lasted for weeks? This time of year is pretty conducive to this feeling. Long cold days and a great deal of time spent inside aren't good for a person's emotional state. Basically, you just don't feel like doing anything. This can happen to the best of us or it can be so extreme that it is actually debilitating. This is when a diagnosis of depression might be in order. What do you do about it? Well, the first thing that I would tell someone is get up and start moving even if you don't feel like it. When all you want to do is lay around, more of the same won't help. You must do something different. Exercise gets your blood moving and can actually make you feel better because of the release of chemicals. You might have to fool yourself to get going. Give yourself permission to quit after 10 minutes. If you want to at that point, stop. Chances are though that you'll keep going. Sometimes you have to get the cart before the horse. Do what you don't feel like doing so that you can feel better. If you don't improve after making some behavioral changes on your own, you may need to see your doctor.

SPEAKING: March 4 at the Sumner County Teacher Center

MEASURE stands for Mission, Element, Analyze, Stakeholders Unite, Results, and Educate. Each item in this acrostic works to guide school counselors in making a difference at their schools. Dale received top recognition at this year’s Tennessee School Counselor & Administrators Conference for his MEASURE submissions. He is also applying for RAMP Certification later this year. The two correlate a great deal.

RAMP (Recognized ASCA Model Program) was developed by the American School Counselor Association (ASCA) and does for a guidance program what SACS Accreditation does for a school. It proclaims that the program has met the standards set forth by its governing body. Dale would like to see all schools reach this level or at least begin employing the MEASURE method. Many schools may be doing these things already and just not know it.

Too often jobs are dumped onto counselors, and these tasks have little to do with what the American School Counselor Association and the state of Tennessee have laid out as counselor responsibilities. MEASURE tactics and RAMP certification help to avoid this by giving the School Counselor tools to justify his or her existence beyond making sure there are enough number two pencils for TCAP.

Administrators have a big role in this, too. Optimally, they should work with their school counselors to ensure that they are truly using their trained abilities. Dale believes that MEASURE and especially RAMP can make the guidance program an unstoppable force as schools race to the top and work to meet AYP.

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Do Affairs Just Happen?

Extramarital affairs are devastating to everyone. The betrayed spouse, kids, immediate family, and even friends and coworkers bear the brunt of this earth-shattering event.

After the infidelity is discovered, the unfaithful often say, “We never intended for this to happen.” True. Most spouses don’t set out, when leaving for work, to come home having begun an inappropriate relationship. However, things like this don't "just happen." Many factors contribute.

There’s a commercial on television for the Plan B pill. It is a contraception that stops a pregnancy before it begins. Their slogan is, “Because the unexpected happens.” I’m sure the unexpected does, but I can’t help but think when I see this TV spot, “If you have unprotected sex, you could get pregnant. What did you think would happen? Were you sleeping in health class?” The same is true with affairs. While someone may never set out to have an affair, if you neglect your spouse and develop an attraction to someone else, what do you think is going to happen?

Another response is, “It just happened.” This statement, as well as the first, minimizes the events leading to the affair and also the hurtful ripple affect that will be felt for years. It’s like saying that September 11, “just happened.” Both statements give little credence to what has occurred and, for this reason, both are quite maddening to the betrayed.

Many marriages end when an affair takes place, but if you decide to work things out, there are some things that must occur. The cheater must grasp the extent of his or her behavior, and this understanding must be communicated to the hurting spouse. An empathic understanding is key. In regards to the offended spouse, his/her part in this must be seen as well. Maybe he or she spent too much time doing something else. Oftentimes an affair can be the result of what both spouses have or have not done.

If you decide to work things out, keep in mind that it is a great deal of work. I have a slogan on my office wall that says, “Every true strength is gained through struggle.” Things can get better.

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School Counselor Animated Shorts

Most guidance videos are expensive and require a lot of classroom time. Don’t you wish you could show simple videos to illustrate a point? Dale Sadler did but couldn’t find them so he developed his own. This collection of animated shorts can be used to educate parents, impart positive messages to your students, or they can even be used as public service announcements on your local cable channel. Appropriate for grades 3-12, this DVD was well received at the Tennessee School Counselor Conference and can now be ordered here. Lesson plans with discussion questions and corresponding SPI’s* are included. Download it here for FREE.

Read a report on the effectiveness of animation in the classroom.

*Tennessee counseling standards based on the ASCA model.

The Possessed Test - 2:38

In this video, Jason decides to take his standardized test a little less than serious and instead, explores his artistic side.

 

Germ Free Huffing - 1:29

In this short, Mason uses the school’s hand sanitizer dispenser. RC (Robot Custodian), knowing that students misuse the product, confronts Mason. He then goes on to give a message to your students about why huffing is dangerous.




Don’t Be A Bystander - 1:47

In this video, Austin goes to school to face the bullying He’s been enduring for quite some time. Two boys meet him in the hallway and as a crowd gathers, many forms of bullying occur during this brief encounter.

Some Relationships Are Easy

Got my taxes done last week. Hal Toomey, in Franklin, KY does an excellent job for us and I highly recommend him. It's funny how I see him twice per year (once to drop off tax return and once to pick it up) and we have a great relationship. We talk about each others kids. He's actually been able to watch mine grow up. 

We don't talk on Facebook, email or converse in any other social way, but twice per year we'll have a great meeting with one another. Maybe it's because I get a return every year. Who knows? What I do know is that this relationship is easy to maintain. I see him for about two hours out of the year and he gives me good news.

Some relationships aren't this way. Two people who are madly in love with each other get married and soon thereafter they get a divorce. Some would say that this means that marriage is obsolete. Well, I don't blame the institution, I blame those who don't have a firm grasp on what marriage is.

Marriage is no longer "you and me." It is us and "us" means that I must bend not break. I must think before I speak and I must be composed when I want to yell. It means sharing the good with someone special and because they are so special you know that there is nothing that is so bad that you would want to leave him/her. That would be devastating. It means you will work to be at your best because he/she will do the same for you and WOW is that good! Marriage means more than just a few calls each week. It means checking in because you don't want him/her to worry. 

Some relationships require very little effort. Others, especially marriage, need work and time spent on them. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

TN School Counselor Conference 2010 Is A Success

I thought this year went really well. The food was stupendous and there really seemed to be a lot of well prepared speakers. Kudos to Nicole Cobb and the National Center for Youth Issues for putting on such a great conference.

I'm very thankful for all those who turned out to listen to me. I try to pick a topic that won't bore me in the hopes that it won't bore anyone else. This year I spoke on the effectiveness of animated cartoons in the classroom. I'm going to do something with the presentation. Maybe make a youtube video out of it. Don't know yet. For those who signed up to receive the powerpoint via email I'll be taking care of that soon. The key note speakers were top of the line too. I always enjoy hearing and talking with Dr. Dahir. 

This was my first year to have an exhibit table. I want to thank my mom for helping me out. Employees who are willing to work for free is always good. Although she did get a nice lunch so it wasn't totally without its rewards.

I sold a few copies of my DVD but wasn't able to attend Tuesday because of the weather. So, if you wanted to buy one but were unable to because of my absence, send me an email and I'll make sure you get the video without shipping costs.

The awards dinner was lots of fun especially with special appearances by Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, and Joan Rivers. I am very grateful for the honor I received as the top MEASURE award recipient. I know that many School Counselors are toiling away daily to make their programs the best they can be.

See you next year.

Weight Loss & My Favorite Foods

If you are familiar with the Weight Watchers program, you'll know that you count points. The nutritional value of a food is considered and you stop eating once you reach your daily and weekly limit. You don't have to give up your favorite foods. It is true that you can't have them every day, and it is true that you have to eat healthier food more often. However, to say that we can't have our favorites ever again, is a recipe for disaster.

Let's say you really like hot wings, (they're two points a piece by the way) and you want some really bad. Well, eat healthy all week and you can have them. It's the 80/20 principal. Eat right 80% of the time and you can splurge 20% of the time.

I know this to be true because I ate hot wings twice in one week (a whole plate each time) and still lost weight. It's all in how you use your points. Outback has my favorite but I also took on the Blazin' Challenge at Buffalo Wild Wings a few weeks ago. Twelve of their hottest wings must be eaten in six minutes. You can't wipe your hands, dip the wings, or drink anything. Well, after I signed the release stating I understood the risks, everyone turned to watch me triumphantly devour all twelve in just over three minutes. I've got the shirt to prove it. They were delicious. I hope to eat them again soon so I can enjoy them without a time limit.

Gift Giving 101: Husbands, Wives, & Valentine's Day

The Christmas season is over but yet another gift-giving time approaches that carries more importance than ten Christmases; Valentines Day. Husbands, maybe you messed up on December 25 when she opened “his and hers” fly rods, but as February 14 approaches, you have a marvelous chance to redeem yourselves.

I hope that my tips here help you better than Neil Cavuto’s advice to buy her a cheese and pepperoni tray from a mall kiosk. This is your wife, not your great aunt. To be fair, his advice was about surviving the holiday rush. Over the next week though you can certainly find your wife something meaningful. The only rush you have to worry about here is the one you may find yourself in at Wal-Mart on February 13^th. Prepare and you will succeed.

First, be careful of the chocolate myth. Pepe Le Peu did it all the time but that doesn’t mean you should. If a woman is self-conscious about her body then all she will see inside that heart shaped box is something else that makes her feel bad. The same thing goes with clothes. Unless she has tried on the outfit and just not bought it yet, clothing is a bad idea. Just because it’s her size, it doesn’t mean she’ll like how it looks.

“What would she like?” This is the wrong question that too many men ask because it can be answered this way, “She would love tickets to a mixed martial arts competition . . . if she liked that kind of thing.” The “if” part is what many men miss because “would” gets in the way and absolutely directs you to no details. You need to ask, “What DOES she like” and go from there.

Ask her what she wants but if she says, “it doesn’t matter” or anything else that leaves it up to you be careful. Exercise equipment, cooking utensils or a new vacuum are gambles. Maybe she’s mentioned it and you think it would be OK . . . stop right there. The fact is, when she leaves it up to you, she wants to be surprised and she wants you to be romantic.

To surprise her, ask yourself the following. “If she had five hours by herself, what would she do?” “If money wasn’t an issue, what would she want?” This is Valentine’s Day, you’re supposed to spend a little. “What is her favorite restaurant and how can I make the experience even better?” HINT: You can have flowers delivered to your table at Maggiano’s through their reservation service.

I prefer local jewelers to the large chain stores. You don’t have to be an expert to get her anything good. First, you can get her something to match what she already has. If she has diamond earrings, a diamond necklace isn’t hard to find. Another advantage to going local is that when the jeweler is the owner, he’ll treat you right. He doesn’t need a sale, he needs your business and he’ll go the extra mile to make you happy. You can’t put a price on that. Maybe it doesn’t look like they have a lot in the case, but they have tons of catalogs behind the counter and can put something together for you. This will really impress her and it won’t cost you any more than if they had it there.

If you’re on a budget, little things that you put thought into would mean a lot. Just don’t buy anything holding a heart. A good idea is to do little things throughout the week. Leave a special something where she’ll find it and maybe end the week with a nice dinner.

Remember, women like to be pursued. So if you do anything, help her see that if you could marry her all over again, you would.