Individuals make up families, and it is easy to recognize the traits in each individual. Every Sunday mom sleeps late, dad takes naps in the afternoon, and the kids ride their bikes. These individual patterns are easy to see because they have developed over time and happen like clock work. Have you thought about how the behavior of each individual contributes to how everyone else acts?
The way individuals contribute to the working of the family is known as a system. Your family of individuals functions as a unit with each person contributing to the behavior of another in some way. This can be a positive thing. Mom sleeps late because every Sunday dad makes his special breakfast and he naps after lunch because mom likes to read and the kids are outside. This is a system that works well until it rains and dad can’t sleep.
The family system can also be a negative thing as individuals work to create harmony in a tense setting. Members may act in certain ways to avoid uncomfortable subjects that really need to be addressed.
For example, when mom and dad argue, their child may act out, putting the attention on him for minutes or even hours. The child has learned to keep harmony in the home because, in his mind, if mom and dad don’t fight, things are good. The problem is however that mom and dad’s issue remains unresolved and harmony is sacrificed for truth.
One thing families often do well is “keep the peace.” How many times have you said that at a family meal? Every Thanksgiving Aunt Rosie must keep Uncle Bob away from Grandpa because they don’t get along. Harmony is sustained for one more year and the giblet gravy bowl is not used as a projectile.
What happens though when harmony is pursued everyday in the home at the expense of truth? This is the deeper question. Annual family dinners are easier to deal with than the daily burden of a problem that no one will talk about. Many families live with a problem that is like an elephant in the living room. There is a problem (the elephant) and everyone knows about it but they say nothing. They walk around it and never reveal the difficulties it is causing them because that would disrupt the harmonious system. This type of harmony is only a façade.
Mom makes excuses for dads drinking, father and daughter can’t get along, and son really dislikes step-mom. Instead of discussing the issue or getting help for the problem, everyone just behaves in their usual way and never says a word. One reason is that the pain that the truth would cause seems too much. So, the long term effort to maintain harmony appears to be a better solution. Well, in the long run, it’s not. By facing the truth, getting help, or discussing the issue constructively your family can be an emotionally fulfilling one where everyone feels loved and appreciated.
The way individuals contribute to the working of the family is known as a system. Your family of individuals functions as a unit with each person contributing to the behavior of another in some way. This can be a positive thing. Mom sleeps late because every Sunday dad makes his special breakfast and he naps after lunch because mom likes to read and the kids are outside. This is a system that works well until it rains and dad can’t sleep.
The family system can also be a negative thing as individuals work to create harmony in a tense setting. Members may act in certain ways to avoid uncomfortable subjects that really need to be addressed.
For example, when mom and dad argue, their child may act out, putting the attention on him for minutes or even hours. The child has learned to keep harmony in the home because, in his mind, if mom and dad don’t fight, things are good. The problem is however that mom and dad’s issue remains unresolved and harmony is sacrificed for truth.
One thing families often do well is “keep the peace.” How many times have you said that at a family meal? Every Thanksgiving Aunt Rosie must keep Uncle Bob away from Grandpa because they don’t get along. Harmony is sustained for one more year and the giblet gravy bowl is not used as a projectile.
What happens though when harmony is pursued everyday in the home at the expense of truth? This is the deeper question. Annual family dinners are easier to deal with than the daily burden of a problem that no one will talk about. Many families live with a problem that is like an elephant in the living room. There is a problem (the elephant) and everyone knows about it but they say nothing. They walk around it and never reveal the difficulties it is causing them because that would disrupt the harmonious system. This type of harmony is only a façade.
Mom makes excuses for dads drinking, father and daughter can’t get along, and son really dislikes step-mom. Instead of discussing the issue or getting help for the problem, everyone just behaves in their usual way and never says a word. One reason is that the pain that the truth would cause seems too much. So, the long term effort to maintain harmony appears to be a better solution. Well, in the long run, it’s not. By facing the truth, getting help, or discussing the issue constructively your family can be an emotionally fulfilling one where everyone feels loved and appreciated.
